A zebra was visiting a neighboring farm.
"Hi," she said to the rooster. "What do you do here?" "I make sure everyone gets up on time
for a nice early start each day," he replied.
"How about you?" she turned and asked the cow.
"I supply the farmer and his family with fresh milk so they can make butter and cheese," the
cow replied.
This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the
doorbell rings. The guy answers it and a kid standing there says
"Hi, I'm Freddy.
I'm here to pick up Betty.
We're gonna go eat spaghetti.
Is she ready?"
The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter and the two leave.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid standing
there says "Hi, I'm Jim.
I'm here to see Kim.
We're gonna go for a swim.
Can I come in?"
The guy, now perplexed, says "Yes." and the two take off.
A few minutes later the doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid
standing there says "Hi, I'm Joe.
I'm here to pick up Flo.
We're gonna go to the show.
Can she go?"
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another
minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call
him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this
happened.
(o)(o) perfect breasts
( + )( + ) fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) high nipple breasts
(@)(@) big nipple breasts (you know who you are)
o o a cups
{ O }{ O } d cups
(oYo) wonder bra breasts
( ^)( ^) cold breasts
(o)(O) lopsided breasts
(Q)(Q) pierced breasts
(p)(p) breasts w/hanging tassels
(:o)(o) bitten by a vampire breasts
\o/\o/ Grandma's breasts
( - )( - ) flat against the shower door breasts
< o < o electric shock breasts
Three men are outside the priest's confessional area talking about
their sins while waiting for the priest to become available.
One admits to beating up his wife. The second admits to gambling his
wages away, and the third admits to committing adultery with a woman
from the parish.
The adulterer goes into the box first and admits to his sin but
refuses to name who he had committed adultery with.
The priest asks him, "Well, if you won't confess outright, I'll have
to take a guess. I'd say it was Mrs. Richards...?"
"No father," came the reply " and I cannot tell you who it was."
"Okay... it could be Mrs. Brown then....?"
"No father."
The priest then told the man that he was going to get one more chance
to confess properly and if not he would be temporarily excommunicated
for two weeks.
A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after
a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills
out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting
in the lobby.
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a
minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm.
"Fancy meeting my `wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a
double room for the night."
What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
Make a tire and call it a good year.
What's the difference between 365 condoms and a tire...
A tire might be a goodyear, but 365 condoms is a GREAT year!
Did you hear of the new reusable rubbers?
You turn them inside out and shake the fuck out of 'em.
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for awoman.
Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody>did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.
There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.
One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye
Grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
Bill Clinton, Bob Dole and Ross Perot found themselves in Hell. They were a little
confused at their situation and were startled to see a door in the wall open, and
behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen.
She was 3'4".....dirty.....and you could smell her, even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Bill, YOU HAVE SINNED! You are condemned to spend
the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!!"
And Clinton was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door
opened...and they saw an even MORE disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong.
She was over 7 feet tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was heard; "Bob, YOU HAVE SINNED! You are condemned to spend the
rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Dole, like Clinton before him, was whisked off.
One day, Ah Beng & Ah Seng were walking down the street when they saw
something in their path.
"Wait!" cried Ah Beng. "What is that?"
"Yah! Be careful," warned Ah Seng. "What is it?"
They approached the thing and looked at it very closely.
"Look like shit!" say Ah Beng
"Hmmm.....Smell like shit!" say Ah Seng after taking a deep breathe.
Ah Beng then poked the thing with one finger, raised the finger to his
lips, tasted it and said, "Tastes like shit!"
While visiting San Francisco, a tourist is walking through ChinaTown. He is
fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese
signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking
and looking.
He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Sven Olafsen's Laundry".
"Sven Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?".
So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the
corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like
Sven Olaffsen's Laundry?".
The old man answers "Is name of owner." The visitor asks "Who's the owner?".
"I am he", answers the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Sven
Olaffsen?"
A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,
"What is your occupation?"
The woman replies, "I'm a whore."
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work.
That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman, "Ok, I'm a prostitute."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
Three friends are in a car driving to the ballgame when a big
truck runs them over, killing them instantly.
They find themselves at the Pearly Gates being interviewed
by St. Peter. "OK, you," he says, pointing to Vito, "How many
times did you cheat on your wife? And don't lie, I'm St. Peter
you know. "
Vito hangs his head and replies, "Honestly Pete, I was with
two maybe three different broads a week."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that used Geo Metro
over there, goodbye."
He looks at Eddie and asks, "How many times did you cheat
on your wife?"
Eddie replies, "I must admit that in 15 years of marriage I did
cheat on my wife 3 times."
St. Peter says, "OK, your car in heaven is that LeBaron,
goodbye."
AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented
BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster
BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer
CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
DODGE
Damn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere
FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!
FORD
backwards -- Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill
Features O.J. and Ron's DNA
F*&%#$! ed - over -rebuilt - Dodge
Found On Road Dead
Fix Or Repair Daily
Faster on Race Day
A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to them and says, "the bad news is that now that we've
caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook
you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is
that you get to choose how you die."
The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." the chief gives him a sword, he
says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
The Englishman says, "a pistol for me, please." the
chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says, "God save the
queen!" and blows his brains out.
There is a new commander of a base of the French Foreign Legion, and the captain is showing him around all the buildings. After he has made the rounds the commander looks at the captain and says, "Wait a minute. You haven't shown me that small blue building over there. What's that used for?"
The captain says, "Well sir, you see that there are no women around. Whenever the men feel the
need of a woman, they go there and use the camel." "Enough!", says the commander in disgust.
Well, two weeks later, the commander himself starts to feel in need of a woman. He goes to the captain and says, "Tell me something, Captain." Lowering his voice and glancing furtively around, he asks, "Is the camel free anytime soon?" The captain says, "Well, let me see." He opens up his book. "Why, yes, sir, the camel is free tomorrow afternoon at two o'clock."
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda machine and she
arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed
a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter
by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in
the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke
Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a
moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
A Blonde was down on her luck.
In order to raise some money, she decided to
kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid,
took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying,
"I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag
and put it under the pecan tree next to the
In order to raise some money, she decided to
kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid,
took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying,
"I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag
and put it under the pecan tree next to the
Three blondes walk into a bar and ask the bartender for three shots
of tequila. He looks at them and says "OK" and pours
their shots.
They all clink glasses and and yell "51 days!" Then they proceed to
slam the shots, looking very self-satisfied. They look back
to the bartender and decide to order another round. This time they
pick up the glasses again and, more gleefully yell " Only 51 days!"
The bartender finally can't stand wondering
Bill & Hillary Clinton go to Chicago to see her family. They stop at a
gas station, and Bill gets out of the car to pump gas. All of a sudden,
Hillary Jumps out of the car, and runs over to hug and kiss the gas station
attendant. When they're back in the car and driving away, Bill asks "Who
was that, Hon?" "Bill, you won't believe it, he was my high school
boyfriend." Bill thinks for a moment and says, "Just think, if you'd
Please feel free to contact us if you have any question
Email: rocket.rocketer@yahoo.com
Cheers,
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One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed
that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the
blackboard.
She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she
rubbed the word off and began class.
The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again;
this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she
looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the
day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the
classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board,
each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being
rubbed off vigorously.
At the end of the second week, she walked
in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but
instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets."
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